Loneliness

And you could have known right away that you would feel lonely in a new country with a new language. And I was aware of that too, including the dimension. But what I've just become much more aware of is that I've already been very lonely for the last few years, even in Germany, so the current situation isn't so dramatic, it's much more this loneliness that has been going on for years. At the moment, the loneliness is just intensifying, that's why it's just bursting out. This isn't an entry about emigration and Australia per se, it's more of a little journey into myself. So boring stuff, keep scrolling, I need to get it off my chest. And no, this is not about self-pity, I'm well aware that loneliness also has positive sides, I'm just trying to discuss what bothers me. So loneliness, for years, but I've had enough mechanisms to cover it up. If I look at the last few years, I've moved seven times since 2019. 7 times, Stuttgart to Mannheim, Hanau, Mannheim, Hanau, Wiesbaden, Essen and now Brisbane. So every time I've just settled down somewhere, met people, etc., and in my opinion that takes about a year, I've moved away again. It's been like this for 6 years, the beginning with Mannheim and Hanau back and forth (on weekends), a lot in the Corona time, and that was a rather difficult time for all of us. A lonely time for everyone. Even for the weirdos, who were even less able to cope with having to deal with themselves than the more mentally stable ones. That's why I think everyone can understand loneliness. Corona and the isolation period didn't affect me that much, little changed for me during that time, which means in conclusion that I've probably been lonely for a long time, probably even when my beloved ex-wife moved to Hanau and I stayed in Stuttgart and worked in Mannheim. However, I knew how to keep myself busy or distract myself and I always had someone to talk to, to talk to on the phone, and that's what's more difficult right now. The time difference and it's hard to believe, even after my divorce, my good ex-wife was an important reference person, but she's currently setting up her new life. Who am I to disturb her too much? I left her alone for years and was away a lot, and in her loneliness she looked for something else. It's only fair that she opened up to me at such an awkward time, but she actually did a great job for herself. I can't be angry with her, as I said, I can now understand loneliness. Then Wiesbaden came to me, I have to admit in retrospect that I was terribly alone and the people at work made me want to run away. Which I did, to Essen, to my dear V. I probably got on the good girl's nerves a lot too, but she put up with me, but I put a lot of strain on this friendship, a lot. To cut a long story short, it was (is) better that I left, it tore me apart, but that's the way it is sometimes. I don't want to often keep in touch with her either, she has other things to do than entertain me and listen to me moan, I have to admit that much to her. Ergo, I simply haven't developed over the years and here we are, lonely and with no idea how to change that on another continent. I've got used to driving on the left by now, I only very rarely look in the wrong direction before I set off, but my good bike is still missing and my sender doesn't want to find out where it's gone for me at the moment. Too bad for me, but I should have guessed that this wouldn't go well. The bike I have here was intended for commuting between the station and work, so it's not really something for longer journeys. I notice this every morning and evening on the 14 kilometers to and from work. My art is also in a few boxes in a basement in Ludwigsburg, hopefully not for much longer, but there are a few problems with it here too. For one thing, I don't know where to practice this here, the Australians shy into their properties, regularly, which could raise questions if there are tons of paint, a laser and tarpaulin in a room. Secondly, in Australia you don't drill holes in your walls or you have to ask the landlord for permission. All in all, it's only minor problems, but it adds up. All this distracted me from my loneliness. It worked and now? Now you might think, why didn't you look for a partner, or why aren't you looking for one? What can I say, it's not that there weren't any opportunities, but I now have certain ideas that only a few have fulfilled so far. The fact that I'm getting involved again with a woman whose interests diverge as much as those of my ex-wife and I, that's not going to work. I'm also tired of explaining myself, like you don't have a car? What's wrong with you? Why don't I have a driver's license, why don't I drink alcohol, why do you have a piercing, why this why that, I just don't feel like it anymore, I'm just different than others and the older I get the less energy I have to explain myself And here? The same and in addition the language costs me too much energy, I once had a relationship with Ewa, a Polish woman, probably one of the most intense relationships I've ever had, but also one of the most complicated, almost completely without language. It just takes a lot of energy and I'm not 28 anymore. And back then it was easy to meet someone, 2 beers in your head and the next morning you woke up in bed with the next one and had 3 new “friends”. Well, those days are over. I'm pretty sure I'll stay alone, but lonely? When did I lose my friends? The answer to that is not so complex, but I suspect that they all preferred a house, a partner and children to a life of vagabondage like mine. So simple, so painful and so honest. What happens now? As always? There can only be one direction, forward!

My colleagues at work make a real effort, everything is super nice and friendly, I'm invited out, we go out to eat. An invitation to the gym, to armwrestling, they take me shopping when I need a car. Communication is there, WhatsApp here, call there, message there, really very, very friendly and positive. And me? I enjoy that, of course, but communicating in another language is very tiring. Every sentence, every little bit. It takes a lot of energy, it's not really flowing yet and it's going to be like that for a while. Why, I can (demonstrably) speak English? Well, it's like subtlety, the depth that's missing, the essence, I can say that the rose is red, but not what this flower means to me in its entirety. My character, my depth, my thoughts, I can't express myself properly, that gnaws at my self-image. Of course, this is also a small problem with my status, probably more with myself than with others. But a new job, a new continent, a new language, you just start from scratch, others don't. And then last but not least, and this is sometimes the worst thing, it's the fear of making mistakes that makes mistakes, to paraphrase Hegel. I already know this from spelling, I can make myself so insecure that I no longer even know how to spell the simplest words. And with spoken English? I get on really well with other immigrants, but with native speakers I have a block in my head. And Australian? It's not English! So every day I withdraw a little bit more into my shell, into isolation. I actively work against it, but it costs energy. At least shopping works quite well now, I know the texts and know what I have to say to avoid attracting attention. In the meantime, I don't hear so well, which makes it even more difficult, or they all mumble. They all mumble! My activities to distract myself from my isolation? Boating wherever I can. And yes, of course lots of people text me via the various platforms, but even that, with the time difference and all that, is simply very energy-consuming at the moment. That's just the way it is when you immigrate, it's good to know that you have to get through it. The text isn't that great now either, but I don't have the energy to tweak it. With this in mind!